WARNING: SPOILERS!! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN "TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN, PART 2" AND PLAN TO DO SO, READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK!
We went to see the latest and last Twilight film tonight. Beginning with the previews, here are my impressions. Join me in a trip to the theater...
Of the previews I could remember less than 2 minutes after seeing each of them, "Playing for Keeps", "Now You See Me", "Les Miserables" and "Safe Haven" were the ones that stood out from the fantasy romance previews.
#1 - "Playing for Keeps"
This is the upcoming Gerard Butler/Jessica Biel/Catherine Zeta-Jones flick, planned for release in December. From what I surmised, this film revolves around the exploits of a washed up soccer star who now coaches kiddie soccer in an attempt to stay relevant in his son's life, whilst watching his ex prepare to marry Justin Timberlake, and fending off Catherine Zeta-Jones. Looks kind of like a reprisal of his character in "The Ugly Truth", but I guess we'll see. I'd watch it!
#2 - "Now You See Me"
Some sort of combination of "Oceans 11-13" and "Jumper" and "21", this looks like an intriguing movie. Apparently Mark Zuckerberg and Gloria Cleary are master magicians/Time Lords who can somehow defy the laws of physics and steal tons of money. And Morgan Freeman is there too, someplace. Looks cool. Trailer.
#3 - "Le Miserables"
Once again, though I am not a fan, this is one I'm excited to see. I knew Anne Hathaway was in the film, thanks to her hosting SNL last week. But I continue to be impressed by her singing abilities, and I am looking forward to seeing the other members of the cast play together (Hugh Jackman, Russel Crowe, Amanda Seyfried, Sacha Baron Cohen, and the obligatory Helena Bonham Carter), though with the addition of the last two in the list I can't help but feel like this is a "Sweeney Todd" revival. Overall, this looks solidly executed and I'm hoping that it won't disappoint.
#4 - "Safe Haven"
This movie receives honorable mention just based on the fact that I can't pass up a chance to complain that it looks like the same movie as "The Notebook" - right down to the riding around in rowboats, women wrapping their legs around men like tree trunks, beach splashing, and kissing in the rain. Bleh. I like "The Notebook", but for me once is enough. Pass. Here's the frickin trailer anyway.
And now it's down to the nitty-gritty. The moment you've all been waiting for.
#5 FEATURE FILM: "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2"
I always enter a Twilight film with skepticism. I was pretty much sold on the opening credits this time, however. They were almost James Bond epic, and set the tone with a "some serious shit is gonna go down" vibe. They were also beautiful, until the whole red rose thing, anyway - then I barfed.
Also, who is Boo Boo Stewart? (Seth, apparently.)
I'm not going to go into crazy details. The movie picks up right back where it left off: Bella is the devil with a blue dress on and whoa, she has super vampire strength powers now. Oh no, stop Bella - you're hurting me, ow, it hurts so good. Etc. Things roll along at this pace, with a few humorous notes thrown in. Everything's cool until it's suddenly her birthday again. Is it always this chick's birthday?
Guess what they give her? A sweet-ass house in the woods. That looks like it's been there for the last 250 years, accumulating ivy, moss and charm. Can someone tell me what the story is with this cottage? As I've said, I didn't read the books (shame on me), in which I assume there is some sort of explanation provided. And of course the cottage is furnished with the most posh West Elm furnishings and accessories, and a collection of books on loan from the Library of Congress. Also a nursery that will become obsolete for Renesmee in about a day.
Just a reminder: my birthday is next Saturday. Nobody ever gives ME a house...
After this point the plot becomes embroiled in the primary conflict, which is that no one knows what the eff to expect from Renesmee, probably because she's a creepy CGI-faced toddler-infant hybrid. Also someone narks to the Vultures Volturi, and all hell breaks loose.
Well, more like all hell slowly crawls to a misleading crescendo. For all the bad-ass-ness that the Volturi are supposed to possess, they sure are slow on the uptake and not so good at swift and decisive action, despite the implication that their vindictive leader has already made up his mind.
Lots of dread and terrorizing goes on, until finally the Volturi show up to assess the situation. They march menacingly toward the Cullen coalition, then take off their black hoods in unison - much to the mirth of the assembled movie-goers. Everyone cracked up, and I'm not sure it was supposed to be funny.
Their leader, Aro, is particularly foppish and ridiculous in this film. He's always been an arrogant dandy, from what I recall (haven't seen the other movies lately). But in this one he's giddily and gleefully absurd. He giggles with delight before he gets to "meet" Renesmee. It's pretty clear from this pre-battle scene that he's a knowledge addict and can't resist the deliciousness of reading anybody's thoughts.
I think that 80% of the acting in this movie involves staring off into space, or at someone's face, while "reading their thoughts" or "using powers" or "listening to things 2,000 miles away". Such talent.
Anyway, Aro gets a glimpse at the future from Alice, who has been mysteriously absent up to this point, then decides to sick the Volturi on everyone. Kind of. The two sides come to blows and all kinds of lovely people and animal-people are dispatched gruesomely. There's some major ass-kicking, and it was a very satisfactory battle scene with a delightful outcome. People clapped and cheered.
And then, wait for it - SERIOUSLY IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS, TURN BACK NOW - it is revealed that all of this has been a vision, and will come to pass IF and ONLY IF Aro chooses to fight the Cullens. SPOILER ALERT: he dies if he chooses that. He has walked right into Alice's mind-f@#% trap.
Of course, his selfish nature and desire to remain in power win out, and he decides to let things chill for now. Especially when another half-human, half-vampire specimen comes out of the woodwork stage left and says "Hey, it's cool everyone - sometimes I eat blood, sometimes I eat pizza. I do whatever I want! And I'm not dead yet! But I also might not live forever-forever."
Most people are satisfied with this evidence that Renesmee isn't a threat to vampire kind, and the Volturi depart like they're on VHS being rewound.
The end! Obligatory field of flowers love scene! All I could think during that scene was how many bees there would be.
I make fun, but that's why I go to these movies. I enjoy them, and this one was probably the best. Definitely worth watching, whether you're a Twi-hard or not!
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